FLYING IS SO MUCH FUN, THEY SAID
After having flown many times over the last two years, and having just completed a marathon flight from Ecuador to Thailand, I can safely say that flying to me, is not the joy it once was when I was younger.
I remember the first time I flew on an airliner. It was 1983 and I flew from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania to San Antonio, Texas. I was flying there to report for Air Force Basic Training. I still remember how it felt, like I was a king on top of the world in that airplane! The seat I was in had a huge table in front of me and we were served great tasting food and the flight attendants seemed to go out of their way to make everyone feel comfortable and welcomed on the flight. The check in process before boarding was easy and relatively stress free, and consisted of merely walking through a metal detector. I didn’t need to worry about taking my shoes off, or belt or anything. The carryon bag went through the x-ray machine, and as long as there was no gun inside, it was “easy peasy” to go through.
Once all the passengers were on-board and seated, it seemed like everyone was happy and in a great mood because we were all getting to fly and being treated really well and going to a place that was certainly a lot warmer than it was in Pittsburgh in the middle of Winter! I remember, even though I was nervous about reporting to Basic Training, it simply felt good to be on that airplane and to go somewhere new!
My, how times have changed!
Fast forward 40 years and flying couldn’t be more different than it used to be. Perhaps it’s because I’m no longer an 18 year old kid, but I really don’t think it’s that. I feel like the whole joy of flying has been taken away from us over the last 40 years, and especially over the last 22 years. It seems to me that it’s happened slowly enough that most people might not notice the difference, but I do. Let me explain.
Forty years ago the check in process was so simple that you could actually show up to the airport 30 minutes prior to takeoff (or 60 minutes prior for an international flight) and still have a relatively high expectation that you’d be in time to board the flight with time to spare. Today, we are expected to show up to any flight at least 2 hours prior to take off time (3 hours for an international flight), and the whole process is extremely stressful, and frankly quite humiliating.
Prior to 2001, family members and friends could actually accompany you all the way to the departure gate when you were leaving, and could meet you at your gate when you were arriving. Now, that seems like just another piece of ancient history that most people don’t even remember.
But I do!
Why am I opining like this? And, don’t I understand that all of these changes took place over the years because of increased security measures to make sure that 9/11 never happens again? In fact, I do. But having been a “frequent flyer” since retirement, I’ve seen so many inconsistencies in security measures, that I have to wonder if the pain and aggravation that all of these “security measures” inflict have any real effect at all, other than to cause stress and undue hardship on the average traveler.
Allow me to clarify what I mean.
For some reason, I am that traveler who always seems to be the one who is picked for additional security screening, no matter where I go. I have no idea why this is! I’m an almost 59 year old bald dude who spent 25 years in the military, and then 13 years in the Department of Justice. I have never been in any trouble, and I would be considered an American patriot whose jobs have always been to protect the public. Yet, here are just a few examples of my experiences as a traveler who flies a lot.
- I once was requested to empty my carryon bag after it went through the x-ray macine. The reason? It was because I had toothpaste in my toiletry bag without a toothbrush! The agent questioned me why I would be carrying toothpaste with no toothbrush. I had to explain to him that it was because my toothbrush needed replacing so I threw it away that morning, but that I still had the toothpaste and decided to bring it with me in expectation that I would be buying a new toothbrush at my next destination. My first thought after finally being cleared was “When was an airliner ever in danger from someone bringing some unaccompanied toothpaste on board, and would having a toothbrush to go along with the toothpaste change anything in that scenario?”
- I however, was once allowed to bring two large (and vicious looking) pocket knives in my carryon luggage, no questions asked! When we moved from Manta to Cuenca last year, I had put these knives in my carryon luggage during the move and forgot that they were in there. So, they came with me (unknowingly) the next time Michelle and I flew. And here is the crazy part! I went through security at the Cuenca, Ecuador airport without any problem. I then flew to New York City, and went through a complete security screening again in order to fly to Kuala Lumpur. Again, no problem! So these knives made it through security in both Ecuador, and the United States without being detected! Upon arrival in Kuala Lumpur I unpacked my carryon bag, and guess what I found? Two shiny, very large pocket knives! I’m lucky that they weren’t found during security screening because I’m not sure I wouldn’t be in prison right now, but it does make me wonder how many of these things do get through undetected on flights.
- In Doha, Qatar earlier this year, after checking in for our flight, I noticed that my boarding pass had, in dark bold letters, “SSSS”. What does that designation mean should you ever see one of these yourself? It stands for “Secondary Security Screening Selection” and it means that you have been selected to “receive additional enhanced screening of your body and personal items”. What did it mean to me? It meant that I was separated from the boarding line and directed to an adjacent review table, where my carry on bag was searched thoroughly, as every item was handled, removed, inspected, poked, and prodded. (Thankfully I had my toothpaste along with my toothbrush this time, and wasn’t carrying my hunting knives, so I was allowed to proceed to the next station) There, I was given a full body pat down and an additional metal detecting “wand wave” just for good measure! The funny part of about this whole episode to me was that I was in Doha, Qatar. I was one of the very few white men on the flight who wasn’t named Mohammed, or Ahmad. (If you know what I mean.) It’s like, “How many 58 year old bald white guys are really flight threats? Is this a problem I don’t know about?”
- Even just the other day in Guayaquil, Ecuador, after making it through security screening without any hitches for once, we were sitting at the gate waiting for our flight to begin boarding, when I heard my name over the intercom speaker. “Passenger Randy Robson, please come to the gate and identify yourself.” So I did, and was told that I needed to follow the gate agent “downstairs” and that I would need to unlock my checked-in bag. Which I did, and got to see the female security agent (without gloves on) proceed to pull every item out of my bag (including dirty underwear that we didn’t have time to wash), while I stood there. She went through everything, thoroughly, while I watched in semi-humiliation and embarrassment. She then proceeded to stuff everything back into my suitcase and allowed me to lock it up again. I was then allowed to leave and go back upstairs to await our flight.
And while I’m on this rant, here are other gripes I have about the airport screening process. Sometimes passengers are required to take their shoes off to go through the security line, and other times they are not. Sometimes we are required to pull our laptops out from our carry-on luggage, and sometimes we are not. It’s all very frustrating because it’s so different at every airport, that it’s always a mystery as to what is required! I think even TSA doesn’t know what it wants! In fact, during a flight out of JFK airport earlier this year, we heard an announcement over the loud speaker at the security line and it was repeating the following instruction: “Please remove all laptop computers from your carryon luggage and place it in the plastic bin.” (this also coincided with the instructions clearly visible at the beginning of the line). So, as good airline passengers, we all were frantically taking our laptops out and placing them in the plastic bin as instructed. Meanwhile, at the front of the line, a TSA agent who was supervising the process was yelling at everyone to put their laptop computers back into their carryon luggage since it’s not required to take them out! Simultaneously, the voice on the loudspeaker kept saying “Please take out all laptop computers from your carryon luggage…” And so on.
Other times, to go through the metal detector, we are told to take our watches off, take off our belts, and anything metal out of our pockets. However, some places you don’t need to take your belt, or your watch off. In order to get through as quickly as possible, I try to anticipate what’s required. I once took my watch off, put it in the plastic bin (like I’m required to do 99% of the time) only to be told by the agent, “Please take your watch out of the plastic bin and put it back on. It’s not required to be taken off.” (Since I already took it off, wouldn’t it have been ok to run it through the x-ray machine anyway since it was already in the plastic bin? Couldn’t I have just promised to leave it on next time)…so that they then could instruct to take it off??
I’ve also been told at the beginning of the screening line that I should leave my belt on, only to be told at the metal detector machine that I need to take my belt off! This conflicting misinformation required me to have to go back to the beginning of the line, put my belt in another plastic bin and put it through the x-ray machine. In this “age of technology”, can’t a metal detector be made so that it’s able to discern between a gun or a bomb and a belt buckle?
In the end, even after taking off my belt, I proceeded to set off the metal detector and had to be patted down anyway! 😭
And on our recent flight, after finally making it through the security screening process, there is this “new process” which we discovered at the Panama City, Panama airport! At the boarding gate, after making it successfully through the security gauntlet and feeling pretty good about it, we noticed that they started putting up a barrier all around our gate area. They then set up an x-ray machine and another metal detector, at which time they made everyone exit the gate area and re-enter through a single controlled entrance where we needed to take our belts off, (but watches could stay on this time), and run our carry-on through the x-ray machine.
Oh, did I mention that I had bought a bottle of water at the little store at the gate area? I had it with me as I went through the x-ray machine.
They wouldn’t let me take it through!! Even though I had just bought the water and it was un-opened, they confiscated it from me!
One guy got so angry with this restriction that he started arguing with the security agents. Eventually they wouldn’t let him go through the line, and we think he was barred from the flight! At some point he disappeared, and we don’t know if he’ll ever be seen again.
When we arrived in Istanbul, Turkey, I bought water again, but this time I was allowed to bring it on board the aircraft for our final flight to Bangkok (even though it was opened) so I guess bottled water is only a threat on certain flights?
You simply can’t make this stuff up! 😂
Once you finally make it through all of these security aggravations, you board your aircraft and sit down in your tiny seat. At least the hard part is over, right? Not quite!
The fun isn’t over yet.
Please stay tuned for part two of this blog which I will have out in a day or two.
Have a great day everyone, and safe travels!!
Randy we have seen this too. It’s just crazy!
I’m sorry that you’ve experienced this too…but at least I know I’m not the only one. 🙂
Randy – I have to lol at this because it is all true and also because I too am that special person that they pick on. I think it because of my last name, but still….
Thanks for the laugh. I feel your pain.